the mag you want to hug: minke.com

"disfiguring illnesses only happen to bad people, so you might as well give up on your son now and let the warts serve as a warning to innocent people that he is indeed an evil six year old"

Newest features...
Meet Sisa, our interactive site assistant
In this month's mag...
Win! A Trip to Gippsland! Princess Di answers your etiquette questions
Are you a social Madame Butterfly? Take our quiz!
Career advice from Microsoft
Brave little Sophie Gosper
An interview with Bill Gates
Readers answer your relationship questions
John Howard, Web Server Administrator
FBI's Most Wanted List
Regular columns...
Budget Fashion Advice
Travel Tips
Letters to the Editor
Editorial
Send feedback or request a Celebrity Interview

Celine Dion Alien Expose
Celine Alien PR Pressure
Celine's alien family
Celine's 'sinister' agency request changes to text

Related stories:
Special undercover report on Celine
New! Shania Twain an alien too?
Tom Hanks Ovine Support Club
An interview with a Celine fan

Ask Princess Di a question:

Name:
Email:
From:
Your question:
Dear Departed Di,

Ask Princess Di...

Hello. I'm Princess Di. Some of you may know me as one of the dead blondes for whom Elton John wrote a song^*, but really, I'm a lot more than that. For a start, I can speak from beyond the grave.

Being dead gives one a lot of time to think, and I've decided that it's my duty as the most attractive dead royal since Princess Grace to share my thoughts with you in a new etiquette and advice column. Ask me anything. And remember - I may be dead, but I still care.

Lately, I've been puzzling over what to tell George Bush of Texas about coping with relationship break ups. I still don't have an answer for him, except that time wounds all heels.

On 13 December 2005 katie wrote:

Dear Departed Di,
your not relly talking

Dear Katie,

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 17 November 2005 jessica43555 from gloster mississippi wrote:

Dear Departed Di,
my boyfriend has cheated on me and i still love him what should i do.

Dear Jessica,

Dump him and find someone who deserves you.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 11 November 2005 Laquisha from Ohio wrote:

Dear Departed Di,
what are some questions you can ask a guy to see if likes you

Dear Laquisha,

"Would one like to ride with one" worked for me.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 8 November 2005 machaela from oh wrote:

Dear Departed Di,
my b/f said he likes me but idk weather he really does or not so what are five questions i could ask him to see if he really does?

Dear Machaela,

I must confess I had to ask one of the newer arrivals in Heaven for a translation of certain sections of your email.

I understood 'b/f', of course, but your reference to 'idk weather' confused me somewhat. Once it was explained to me that you meant 'I don't know' and 'whether', it all made more sense.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

Goodness, another Ashley.

On 7 November 2005 ashley from 29212,sc ,colmbia wrote:

Dear Departed Di,
did you ever have sex.

Dear Ashley,

Of course I had sex, I have two sons. Don't they look like their fathers?

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 4 November 2005 Raj from India wrote

Dear Departed Di,
I Love u my dear from my bottom of heart.

Dear Raj,

Thank you very much.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 19 October 2005 Ananya from wb,india wrote

Dear Departed Di,
i am really confused about the right person in my life. many has proposed me and all of them are my very good friends and i cant think my life without any of them. as u have a good knowledge about love whom do u think should i choose? what are the qualities should i look for

Dear Ananya,

Do any of them give you the horn?

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 15 October 2005 Jess from Miami wrote

Dear Departed Di,
How do I tell this boy that I like him? We talk on the phone for hours and he tells me he loves me but i dont know what to do? help

Dear Jess,

Are you sure you like him? If he tells you he loves you, and yet you cannot bring yourself to tell him you like him, perhaps you do not actually like him.

I prefer to bombard someone with calls at all times of day and night if I like them, but I understand that that is no longer the done thing.

If you do like him, perhaps you could just take a deep breath and tell him so.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 18 September 2005 Pascal Guérin from Paris/France wrote

Dear Departed Di,
Madam,do you know if it was an accident ?I think no;

Oh Pascal,

I thank you for your concern.

Paris will be always close to my heart. Sadly, also close to all my internal organs. Ah well, one can't have everything.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 13 September 2005 shay from missouri wrote

Dear Departed Di,
what kind of damn internet web site is this?

Dear Shay,

You Americans are so cute, with your quaint colloquialisms. I almost wish you'd said 'dang' instead of 'damn'. That's how I hear you saying it in my head.

I'm sure you realise that 'internet web site' is tautologous.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 1 September 2005 Anonymous from Anonymous wrote

Dear Departed Di,
Whoever is doing this must have a very morbid sense of humor. Have any of you ever thought about her "boys" you all ask so many questions about? Have you ever thought how much pain this website could bring them!?!

Dear Anonymous from Anonymous,

Rather less pain than a Chinese burn, I'm told.

By the way, I don't believe I ever came across 'Anonymous' on my many travels. Is it a city within the UK, or perhaps in the United States?

Yours sincerely, Diana.

P.S. We spell it 'humour'.

On 24 August 2005 Micki from Sheffield, U.K. wrote

Dear Departed Di,
It has been my pleasure to surf through this site and really enjoyed it. On a serious note, i have always believed that the world to come lends us many opportunities, which i notice you are utilising to its maximum. Keep up your good work. By the way, Kate really looks good and hope that William will get her, unless Harry nicks her. Regards

Dear Micki,

Thank you very much. Your message reminds me that I must call the "Heat" subscription offices as I so rarely receive my copy.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 6 August 2005 jhon wrote

Dear Departed Di,
your sexy

Dear jhon,

Thank you very much. I'm sure you meant to add, "much sexier than that weather-beaten, horse-faced old harridan" so we'll take that as read.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 6 August 2005 dianaspeaks wrote

Dear Departed Di,
Please do not insult me..www.dianaspeaks .tk Thankyou

Dear dianaspeaks,

Talk to the immacutately manicured hand, lady.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

One day later, and Ashley seems to have changed her attitude. His attitude? It's so difficult to tell with kids today. Perhaps they are angry that I wasn't able to respond immediately but I was helping clean the goldfish pond and really couldn't be spared.

On 4 August 2005 ashley from london wrote

Dear Departed Di,
you fukker di

Dear Ashley,

Fuck you very much.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 4 August 2005 ashley from liverpool asked

Dear Departed Di,
are you realy dead

Dear Ashley,

Have educational standards fallen so far since my death? Even if you can't spell, surely you can use a spell checker.

Regardless, yes, I am really dead. I'm sorry if this comes as a shock to you.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 4 August 2005 brendan from liverpool wrote

Dear Departed Di,
you are realy pretty

Dear Brendan,

Thank you very much.

Regardless, I'm still dead. Perhaps you could channel your grief into your school work and encourage your classmates to learn the correct spelling of 'really'.

Yours sincerely, Diana.

On 18 July 2005 Mercedes Filho from Newark, New Jersey, USA asked

Dear Departed Di,
Will I ever have sex again?

Dear Mercedes,

A lady, and indeed, a Princess, doesn't discuss such matters in public. However, if all else fails, there's always masturbation.

Yours sincerely, Diana

On 1 July 2005 Raymond from Malta asked

Dear Departed Di,
Happy Birthday Diana,I hope you are enjoying your Birthday in heaven ............

Thank you, Raymond.

I must apologise for my belated response, I have been busy with a Feasibility Study regarding opening a American Style Nail Bar in Heaven. I have a friend who lives in Hackney, and she tells me they are very popular.

On 16 Feb 2005 Raymond from Malta asked

Dear Departed Di,
Don`t let your ex husband married again,because i thing he have something to do with your death.

Well, Raymond, the thing is, I'm dead. There's not much I can do about it.

Thanks for reminding me, too. Now I just feel worse.

On 16 Feb 2005 Hoges from Melbourne asked

Dear Departed Di,
Charles said he wanted to be a tampon so he could be inside Camilla. Did he ever talk dirty to you, and what did he say? Nyaaaah!

He talked geek to me. It made me hot, no?

On 16 Feb 2005 Lady Elspeth Lardaceous-Ninnyhammer from Melbourne-on-Yarra, Berks. asked

Dear Departed Di,
Can you suggest an appropriate wedding gift for a couple of advanced years? It is the second or third wedding for each partner and one doesn't want to offend, but neither does one want to throw good money after bad. Answer by April 8 please.

On 14 Feb 2005 marina manan asked

Dear Departed Di,
What do you think about this April marriage of your ex-husband?

Who cares what the old tampon-wannabe does? She clearly has terrible hair, and they'll look like a couple of old soaks in their wedding photos.

On 12 Feb 2005, n campbell from barking england asked

Dear Departed Di,
I wish you could that wedding, and make sure charles find another bride.

Could... what? Could... haunt that wedding? Cater for that wedding? That missing word is far too intriguing. If only I could use my ghostly powers to find out what you meant to say.

On 5 Jan 2005 Alam from New York, New York asked

Dear Departed Di,
From what I can see, you haven't answered a new question in some time. Are you really dead now? Or have you just lost interest?

Well spotted, Alam. I did lose interest for a while. I've been consoling Linda McCartney, Jimi Hendrix and Mozart wouldn't let her play tambourine while they jammed. They even told the "dog with wings" joke.

On 7 Nov 2004 qestion from utah usa asked

Dear Departed Di,
i am doing my biograpy report on you for my class what are ten questions i can pass out to my class mates that they might find intresting about you?

10 print "Don't ask dead Princesses to help you with your homework"

20 goto 10

On 7 Oct 2004, Wrandell B. Parker from Send Check to Compass Bank #0505010291 13034285050 asked

Dear Departed Di,
deducting one billion dollars to pay surgeon for body replacement parts on body now stitched up

I think the pills have worn off. I'm not sure if I mean yours or mine.

On 27 Sep 2004 megan from O'Fallon, mo asked

Dear Departed Di,
How do i tell this really hot guy that i like him?

Try, "Hi, you're hot. I like you".

On 7 Jul 2004 clair asked

Dear Departed Di,
hi im male and want i want to come out and say im a girl i have been invited to a sixties party and this is my big chance i want to go dressed as a rock chick can you please advise me on underware. skirts shoes makeup asscories and other girly things i might need i really want to be a girl
yours wishing to be a girl

On 30 Jun 2004 clair from uk asked

Dear Departed Di,
hi im male and want to go to a sixties party dressed as a rock chick can you advise me on underware. skirts shoes makeup asscories and other girly things i might need i really want to be a girl yours wishing to be a girl

On 19 Jun 2004 anonomys from the real world asked

this is a jacked up site, how could u bring diana up like this. its like ur makin fun.horrible!!!

(Retching and coughing, the same way I'd bring up my dinner?)

Perhaps it is like someone is making fun. It's even almost like you're intelligent.

On 20 May 2004 thomas from germany asked

Dear Departed Di,
is it right, that one of your affairs with good looking men was bill clinton? cant find a pic with you beside bill.

Dear Heavens, no. But now that you mention it, he's pretty hot. He could leave his shoes under my bed anytime.

On 4 May 2004 cant tell (ordinarywoman2003@QUITEWARMmail.com) from kuwait asked

whow are you & why u doing these shame on u.........:)

Who, or how? Shame on me and a smiley? Perhaps you are confused, madam.

On 7 Mar 2004 anyname from anywhere asked

Dear Departed Di do you love prince charles

See below.

On 7 Mar 2004 anyname from anytown asked

Dear Departed Di,
do you still love your husband?

As far as I remember, I don't have a husband. Perhaps you mean my ex-husband? One always has a fondness for the father of one's children, so for William's sake, yes.

On 5 Mar 2004 Janet asked

Dear Departed Di,
my boy friend cheats on me what should i do?

Dump his cheating arse.

On 12 Feb 2004 fred from jack asked

Dear Departed Di,
how the fuck can u speak if u r fuckin dead

I'm not speaking, I'm typing. Fucker.

On 9 Feb 2004 AJmal Khan from UK asked

Dear Departed Di,
You where very good friends with Michael Jackson. Do you feel sorry for him because the press hunt him like they hunted you?
Aj

I have no sympathy whatsoever for him.

On 8 Feb 2004 jill (stellazinto@dslextreme.NOTHING) from simi ca asked

Dear Departed Di,
should i switcj spots

You called me back from the dead to ask me that?

Dear Linda from Belleview , fl, I hope you're feeling better now.

On 29 Jan 2004 Camilla from England asked

Dear Departed Di,
How does one keep you-know-who happy when he's cracked the shits?
Regards and no hard feelings,
Camilla

Piss off, bitch!

On 15 Jan 2004 Treasca (hotstyle06@POPULARFREEEMAIL.com) from canada(ontario) asked

Dear Departed Di,
if you like a guy, how do you try to see if he likes you back?

First, check that he doesn't have his unattractive and unsuitable ex-girlfriend stashed somewhere around the palace. I mean place.

On 5 Dec 2003 beatriz (bea_the_short_1) from santa fe nm asked

Dear Departed Di,
how did you start your career? thank you very much

My 'career'?

On 13 Nov 2003 Amanda from Lincoln,RI,USA asked

Dear Departed Di,
My friend's boyfriend likes me. And I like hime back. Now we're going out and I broke her heart. I feel really bad, but her ex boyfriend said he doesn't like her anymore even though she wants to go out with him. I was told to break up with him so that my friend could get back together with him. He and I are already at second base, and I wanna break up with him, but I don't wanna. You know waht I mean? We're too far to turn back now. I just found out yesterday that my friends older brother got everyone in my school to ignore me when I pass by. Everyone hates me and they wanna kick my a**. What should I do? I feel guilty enough. Luv, Amanda, age 14

Goodness, Amanda. Never dump a friend for a lover.

On 21 Sep 2003 Cortney (wizardprincess89@AWELLKNOWNSITE.co.uk) from USA asked

Dear Departed Di,
I LOVE YOU you are like a second mother to me I know everything about I want to be just like you when I get older but I have a question do you have to be famous to be loved because you love the sick and dying? because thats what I want to do travel and heal the wounded yup just like you LOVE U see you when I die lol

Cortney, is that really how you spell your name? Gracious.

Anyway. Some punctuation would really help me here, but the answer is, of course you don't have to be popular to be loved.

P.S. Cortney, remember that God kills a kitten every time you say 'lol' but you're not actually laughing.

On 21 Sep 2003 cortney from Usa asked

Dear Departed Di,
my name is cortney and I Love you very much you are like a second mom I have pictures of you everywhere please is it possible to be not royal or rich to be some one popular because they help the people who need it? And when I get older my job is going to be just like yours bye

If there's one thing my life demonstrates, it's that doing good is its own reward.

On 7 Sep 2003 Carmen (cln4131984@AWELLKNOWNSITE.com) from USA asked

Dear Departed Di,
I love you!

I love you too, sweetie.

On 5 Sep 2003 Les McLesbian from Lezzyburg, Lesbo City, Lesbania asked

Dear Princess Di,
Are you a thespian?
Yours,
Les.

Dear Les,
No, but I believe one of my former brothers-in-law was.

On 4 Sep 2003 courge the cowraly dog from nowhere,kansas asked

Dear who ever you are don't you think writing this stuff may be ofensive to those who actually knew Princess Di?

I'm sure they're glad I'm not bored in the after-life. Thanks for caring!

On 31 Aug 2003 rob asked

Dear Departed Di,
do bears shit in the woods

Isn't the internet wonderful? I don't need to make a ghostly appearance at a kindergarten to be reminded of young children any more.

On 26 Aug 2003 me (Snowybrd1@AVERYPOPULARHOST.com) asked

Dear Departed Di,
hey can yu help me i'm stuck at rotations for volleyball can you help?

Sorry dear, I'm not really the sporty type. Try Camilla.

On 21 Aug 2003 EVELYN (hexenstuebchen@web.NOTCOMACTUALLY) from Germany asked

Dear Departed Di,
are aou really layed down in Allthorp at the little lake....? I don't believe and dont think so... Am I right? I've bin there last 2 weeks ago - the 3. time now - and thought: No she 's not here...

That's because I'm over here. Boo!

On 21 Aug 2003 helovesme from oz asked

Dear Departed Di,
lately my boyfriend has expressed an interest in a particular fantasy he's had for a while. i won't say what it is...i'd probably be arrested! it's not that gross but....i don't know...what should i do?

As an Orstralian, you're probably a republican, so as you can't lie back and think of England, do it if you'd enjoy it. Otherwise, don't bother.

On 14 Aug 2003 A. Hussy from Melbourne asked

Dear Departed Di,
If one of my ova eggs drops in to the toilet then a guy wanks in the toilet can the egg get fertalized in the toilet

Hello Hussy. Are you trying to tell me that's where your baby came from?

On 12 Aug 2003 tracy from Mahanoy City, Pennsilvana U.S. asked

Dear Departed Di,
I have a kinda boyfriend but he is weird some times he tells me he likes me but when other people are around he seas we are not going out what should i think?

Dump him.

On 11 Aug 2003 MISSING PIECE OF A PUZZLE from BOULDER, COLORADO, USA asked

DEAR DEAD LADY DI, iVE BEEN DOING THIS GUY FOR AWHILE WE WILL JUST CALL HIM BOB.... HES NICE AND ALL AND HES REALLY REALLY SWEET WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER WHICH IS EVERYOTHER MONTH BUT WHEN HE IS IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS HE IS MEAN. DOES THIS MEAN HES USING ME FOR SEX?

Der!

On 29 Jul 2003 Jenna VanHouten from Ottawa,Ontario,Canada asked

Dear Departed Di,
I'm sorry to hear about your death but i have to ask you will i ever get a boyfriend?

Dear Jenna,
Yes, but you might want to work on your tact.
Yours, Diana

Jenna - yes. But he may be a cad. Consider getting a girlfriend, though she may also be a cad.

On 27 Jul 2003 Lovely Rose (cln4131984@LALASOMESITE.com) from USA asked

Dear Departed Di,
I like to write poems and stories and I've posted many on websites such as poetry.com where do I go from here?

Find someone to stalk and send your poetry to.

(Not me, by the way.)

On 28 Jun 2003 Mr R. Murdoch from Australia, 51st US state asked

Dear Departed Di,
I'm the owner of a worldwide media network, which encompasses almost every TV, station, radio station and newspaper on the entire planet. Unfortunately, the upper house of a pesky south pacific US enclave known as Australia is refusing to pass laws that I have paid the government a great deal of money to draft, which would let me buy up the TV stations in the cities where I already own a newspaper (ie, all of them).
Without these laws I will be unable to impose my editorial control upon the citizens of this state, and they may start developing signs of independent thought and go native on me.
Can you suggest any other way in which I can buy them out?
Yours lovingly,
Rupert M.

Yours lovingly? Rack off, Rupes.

On 8 Jun 2003 DASH from DORVAL asked

Dear Departed Di,
Your oldest son is HOT! Can you use your powers to unite him with me.

You wouldn't believe how often I'm asked something like this.

On 3 Jun 2003 Lucy from Melbourne, Australia asked

Dear Departed Di,
ive been doin some research for school on different websites and i seemed to have pondered upon this one. just out of curiousity, how the hec did you come up with this idea? and how do they contact you?

You get free wireless internet access in Heaven.

On 28 May 2003 your No DI from Alexandria Va USA asked

Dear Departed Di,
You Madum are no Di. I know this , but if you think you are , what happened to the Saphire earings you wore the night you died?

Why, do you want to borrow them?

On 26 May 2003 Non ya said

Dear Departed Di,
u are such a fuckin bitch!

Shut up, Elizabeth Regina, you're drunk!

On 21 May 2003 Kirsti (fleming@mnstate.NOTDOTCOM) from Fargo, ND (US) asked

Dear Departed Di,
We are throwing a double shower, for girlfriends only. Our problem is that each mother-to-be has 1 or 2 friends that do not know the other mother-to-be. We still want to include those guests, as it is important for our 2 mothers-to-be, but we do not want those guests to feel obligated to buy a gift for the mother-to-be that they do not know. Is there anything we can include in their invites? We don't want to make them feel cheap OR obligated to buy 2 gifts. What can we do????? Thanks!

Invite them in the name of the mother-to-be they know.

On 17 May 2003 Carmen from WhiteHall, Maryland asked

Dear Departed Di,
I am about to graduate at the end of the month from High School and I feel like I can truely be who I want but come to think of it when I leave my friends who mean alot to me. Give me some advice on how to go on. Any opinion woulld be appreciated. By the way Diana I know that you're happy in heaven and that I'm terribly sorry of the pain you had to endure on Earth. I know now that the real love of you life was Jesus Christ and now that you are in his loving arms. I love you Diana and always will remain your faithful friend and fan.

Dear Carmen,
Are you some kind of lezza?
Actually, you probably will be for a little while if you go to college, so ignore that cheap shot.
Enjoy your freedom, you'll keep in touch with the people you want to.

On 24 Apr 2003 Annie asked

Dear Departed Di,
I have a friend that is very nice and everything, but sometimes she is annoying and I don't know how to treat her.One friend of mine once asked me, "Why is she your friend", and I didn't know what to answer. When she came over to my house she just played games and didn't even talked to me at all.She kept saying, "I'm a bad friend because I didn't playdes with you or do something with you", but she keeps doing it
Sincerely,
Annie

Why do you let her?

On 23 Apr 2003 someone asked

Dear Departed Di,
Do you like being a princess?

Yeah, it was ok. Not worth throwing myself down stairs over.

On 25 Jul 2003, Luke (electricdisco@yahoo.example.com) wrote:

i hear that you are quite intelligent. i am stuck on a crossword, can you help?
the clue is 'ostracise' and the letters i have are IS_ _ _T_
thank you

Dear Luke,
ISOLATE
Best of Luck,
Diana

On 25 Jul 2003, Luke (electricdisco@yahoo.example.com) replied

Dear Departed Di,
thanks. i can now enter a competition to win £50. if i win, i'll donate half to a charity of your choice.

Dear Luke,
Splendid. Try http://www.halousa.org/ against land mines or http://www.nat.org.uk/ for the National AIDS Trust.
Best of Luck,
Diana

Recently Searching of Kansas asked

Dear Departed Diana,
how do I find a nice girl?
Signed,
Searching

Dear Searching,
Did you look in the last place you left her?
Best of Luck,
Diana

On 24 Apr 2003, angie from CA asked

Dear Departed Di, I have a question, is THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT a real movie?

Yes, it is a real movie. If it wasn't a real movie, you wouldn't have been able to watch it. However, and I think this is what you mean to ask, it's not based on real events.

Claire Hudson of London writes:

Dear Princess Diana,
What should I wear tonight?

Dear Claire,
Your black top and your new pants with those shoes you wore the other day.
Sincerely,
Diana.

Anh Vo of Houston Texas writes:

hgvfhgfhgfhgtfhdfsgadfggdhfshgahfhdshfhdfghfghfhd fahfghfahsgfhdfahgfshgdhfsahgdfsaghfahfdghsahgdfd ghadfhafhfhagsfhdfgsfhgsfahfhsgdfhdfhfhasgfg dfshgafhdsfahgfashgfhgfahgsfhfsahgfdhfahgsd

Dear Anh Vo,
asdfasdfasdf asdfa sdfasdfasdf dfasd asdf asdfasdfasdfasdkasdfasdf asdfasdfasdfa asdfasdf asdfasasdf asdf as asdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdf. Aasdfsdfasdfasdf asdfasdfawefasdf asfasdfwsas!
Sincerely,
Diana.

Celine Dion writes:

Dear Departed Di, everyone keeps saying I'm an alien. I'm starting to think that maybe I am. What do you think?

Dear Ms Dion,
I certainly always thought you were an alien. Maybe it's time you came out of the big alien closet.
Sincerely,
Diana.

Anonymous of Nowhere writes:

Dear Departed Di,
The people who write for this awful website should be ashamed of themselves.

Dear Anonymous,
When you put it that way, I think you might have a point.
Sincerely,
Diana.

Concerned Mother of Suburban Australia writes:

Dear Dead Diana,
Shouldn't you be doing your data structures assignment?

Concerned Mother.

Dear Concerned Mother,
I think you may have me confused with someone else.
Sincerely,
Diana

Geeks in the Mist of Sunnyvale, California, writes:

Dear Dead Diana,
What's a good way to tell the guy in the next cubicle that his farts really gross me out because they stink so bad?

Dear Geeks in the Mist,
In order to answer your question, I turned to my favourite books of household etiquette, which, sadly, contained no references to the particular type of gas of which you speak.

However, in their place, I found many references to gargles, and I've copied some of Nanny's old standby's below. Perhaps you could suggest them for use as an enema.

Gargle for Thrush: One part of glycerine to eight of warm water. Use frequently. If any difficulty in gargling, apply with a camel-hair brush.

Healing Gargle (when an abscess in the throat has burst): Add 2 drams tincture of myrrh to a breakfastcupful of barley water. Use warm.

If these remedies should fail, try leaving packets of 'charcoal doggie treats' on his desk - they always worked on the corgies, and if he doesn't know what they are, he'll scoff them down.

K. Andrews of Mont Albert writes:

Dear Lady Di,
My 8 year old son constantly suffers from unsightly warts on his hands. Is there anything you can recommend to remove these ugly spots. We have tried numerous medications which have only ever been effective for very short periods of time.

K. Andrews
(Mont Albert)

Actually, K. Andrews, I'm a Princess. Let's not forget that again. Anyway, on with the cure. I turned to my favourite source, the "Household Encyclopedia: Comprising MEDICAL and GARDENING information, COOKERY and HOUSEHOLD recipes, A guide to ETIQUETTE, Hints for the TOILET, etc., etc., etc." for a solution to this problem.

You need to "mix together 1/2 oz. acetic acid (that's vinegar for the uneducated amoung you) and 1/2 oz. tincture steel and apply by rubbing well on the warts by means of an orange stick twice per day. The wart will shrink and fall off within a few days."

However, as we all know, disfiguring illnesses only happen to bad people, so you might as well give up on your son now and let the warts serve as a warning to innocent people that he is indeed an evil six year old.

Ms. Packer of Rich Suburban Enclave writes:

Dear Di,
I've recently been told I have to rein in my spending a little, and was wondering what household hints you could suggest to save some money. I also find myself in the position of seeking employment outside the home and would appreciate some labour-saving tips.

Yrs,
Janet.

Dear Ms. Packer,
I may be dead but I still appreciate the niceties of being addressed by one of my proper titles. I am a Princess. Please try to remember this.

To answer your question, I turned to "The New Standard Cookery, Illustrated" (published Odhams Press Limited, London, 1933) which had several handy tips for saving labour in the home.

"Some system of direct communication with the kitchen, such as speaking tubes, or an internal system of telephones, saves maids running about.

A vacuum cleaner, creating no dust while in operation, is a good investment for a labour-saving home. But choose a first-class make, and use it for cleaning pictures, or soft furnishings, and upholstered furniture, as well as carpets, rugs and bedding.

An incinerator, which is operated by gas, will save maids the trouble of disposing of garbage, and operates free from odour.

Stainless and rustless knives save knife-cleaning."

Mr. J. Howard of Kirribilli writes:

Dear, Dear Departed Princess Diana,
I'm afraid that I may soon be a victim of baldness. What can I do to prevent this?

Dear J. Howard,

Didn't you try to feel up my ex-mother-in-law a few years ago? Regardless, my ever-handy Household Encyclopedia says: "Dandruff is a frequent cause of premature baldness. The head should be washed once a week in soap and soft water, and the scalp kept oiled with a mixture of three parts almond oil to one of spirits of wine. A tablespoonful of flowers of sulphur shaken up in a medicine bottle full of water and the lotion applied to the head will help keep the scalp free from scurf. A little vaseline well rubbed in is of benefit." And you'll smell just like your policies.

Also, try encasing your head in a plastic bag, sealed at the neck with twine, and boiling it in a pot for five hours.

Toodles, Princess Di.

Ask Princess Di a question:

Name:
From:
Your question:
Dear Departed Di,

* at least Marilyn Monroe got a whole song, I just got a rewritten version of hers. I got him back though - using my new ghostly super powers I did something awful to his hair, I'm sure you've seen that dead rat he calls a fringe.