Ask Princess Di...
Hello. I'm Princess Di. Some of you may know me as one of the dead blondes for whom Elton John wrote a song*, but really, I'm a lot more than that. For a start, I can speak from beyond the grave.
Being dead gives one a lot of time to think, and I've decided that it's my duty as the most attractive dead royal since Princess Grace to share my thoughts with you in a new etiquette and advice column. Ask me anything. And remember - I may be dead, but I still care.
Lately, I've been puzzling over what to tell George Bush of Texas about coping with relationship break ups. I still don't have an answer for him, except that time wounds all heels.
Andrew Sullivan of New York, NY, US of A writes:
Dear Departed Di,
Why are people so mean to me? Can't they handle the truth?
Dear Andrew,
Can you handle the truth? It's because you're a pathetic crawler. It's all very well to love your adopted country, but you don't have to believe everything they say.
Sincerely,
Diana.
Ken Wharfe of London, England writes:
Dear Departed Di,
I am cashing in on my former position as your bodyguard by writing a tell-all
book. Have I done the right thing? You wouldn't believe the size of the
advance.
Dear Ken,
Is everyone I knew determined to make a profit from my life? At least your timing is good, Charles and Camilla were getting too much friendly press for my liking but this should remind everyone what a bastard Charles was.
Sincerely,
Diana.
Claire Hudson of London writes:
Dear Princess Diana,
What should I wear tonight?
Dear Claire,
Your black top and your new pants with those shoes you wore the other day.
Sincerely,
Diana.
Anh Vo of Houston Texas writes:
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Dear Anh Vo,
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Sincerely,
Diana.
Celine Dion writes:
Dear Departed Di, everyone keeps saying I'm an alien. I'm starting to think that maybe I am. What do you think?
Dear Ms Dion,
I certainly always thought you were an alien. Maybe it's time you came out of the big alien closet.
Sincerely,
Diana.
Anonymous of Nowhere writes:
Dear Departed Di,
The people who write for this awful website should be ashamed of themselves.
Dear Anonymous,
When you put it that way, I think you might have a point.
Sincerely,
Diana.
Concerned Mother of Suburban Melbourne writes:
Dear Dead Diana,
Shouldn't you be doing your data structures assignment?
Concerned Mother.
Dear Concerned Mother,
I think you may have me confused with someone else.
Sincerely,
Diana
Geeks in the Mist of Sunnyvale, California, writes:
Dear Dead Diana,
What's a good way to tell the guy in the next cubicle that his farts
really gross me out because they stink so bad?
Dear Geeks in the Mist,
In order to answer your question, I turned to my favourite books of household etiquette, which, sadly, contained no references to the particular type of gas of which you speak.
However, in their place, I found many references to gargles, and I've copied some of Nanny's old standby's below.
Gargle for Thrush: One part of glycerine to eight of warm water. Use frequently. If any difficulty in gargling, apply with a camel-hair brush.
Healing Gargle (when an abscess in the throat has burst): Add 2 drams tincture of myrrh to a breakfastcupful of barley water. Use warm.
If these remedies should fail, try leaving packets of 'charcoal doggie treats' on his desk - they always worked on the corgies, and if he doesn't know what they are, he'll scoff them down.
K. Andrews of Mont Albert writes:
Dear Lady Di,
My 8 year old son constantly suffers from unsightly warts on his hands.
Is there anything you can recommend to remove these ugly spots. We have
tried numerous medications which have only ever been effective for very
short periods of time.
K. Andrews
(Mont Albert)
Actually, K. Andrews, I'm a Princess. Let's not forget that again. Anyway, on with the cure. I turned to my favourite source, the "Household Encyclopedia: Comprising MEDICAL and GARDENING information, COOKERY and HOUSEHOLD recipes, A guide to ETIQUETTE, Hints for the TOILET, etc., etc., etc." for a solution to this problem.
You need to "mix together 1/2 oz. acetic acid (that's vinegar for the uneducated amoung you) and 1/2 oz. tincture steel and apply by rubbing well on the warts by means of an orange stick twice per day. The wart will shrink and fall off within a few days."
However, as we all know, disfiguring illnesses only happen to bad people, so you might as well give up on your son now and let the warts serve as a warning to innocent people that he is indeed an evil six year old.
Ms. Packer of Rich Suburban Enclave writes:
Dear Di,
I've recently been told I have to rein in my spending a little, and was wondering what household hints you could suggest to save some money. I also find myself in the position of seeking employment outside the home and would appreciate some labour-saving tips.
Yrs,
Janet.
Dear Ms. Packer,
I may be dead but I still appreciate the niceties of being addressed by one of my proper titles. I am a Princess. Please try to remember this.
To answer your question, I turned to "The New Standard Cookery, Illustrated" (published Odhams Press Limited, London, 1933) which had several handy tips for saving labour in the home.
"Some system of direct communication with the kitchen, such as speaking tubes, or an internal system of telephones, saves maids running about.
A vacuum cleaner, creating no dust while in operation, is a good investment for a labour-saving home. But choose a first-class make, and use it for cleaning pictures, or soft furnishings, and upholstered furniture, as well as carpets, rugs and bedding.
An incinerator, which is operated by gas, will save maids the trouble of disposing of garbage, and operates free from odour.
Stainless and rustless knives save knife-cleaning."
Mr. J. Howard of Kirribilli writes:
Dear, Dear Departed Princess Diana,
I'm afraid that I may soon be a victim of baldness. What can I do to prevent this?
Dear J. Howard,
Didn't you try to feel up my ex-mother-in-law a few years ago? Regardless, my ever-handy Household Encyclopedia says: "Dandruff is a frequent cause of premature baldness. The head should be washed once a week in soap and soft water, and the scalp kept oiled with a mixture of three parts almond oil to one of spirits of wine. A tablespoonful of flowers of sulphur shaken up in a medicine bottle full of water and the lotion applied to the head will help keep the scalp free from scurf. A little vaseline well rubbed in is of benefit." And you'll smell just like your policies.
Also, try encasing your head in a plastic bag, sealed at the neck with twine, and boiling it in a pot for five hours.
Toodles, Princess Di.
Ask Princess Di a question:
* at least Marilyn Monroe got a whole song, I just got a rewritten version of hers. I got him back though - using my new ghostly super powers I did something awful to his hair, I'm sure you've seen that dead rat he calls a fringe.